I'm so weak. I can't stop cutting. I don't WANT to stop. A few days ago I cut worse (not deeper, just more) than I have in a loooong time. The thing is, I wanna do it some more...

Cutting yet?

I'm gonna cut soon. I know I am. Not tonight, maybe, but soon. I think about it all the time. I can't help it. I love the felling of cutting. It makes me happy. It makes me feel good. When I don't, like now, I feel like shit. I feel like shit.

Why aren't I better yet?

I still fell like cutting... I thought these meds would make it stop. Atleast I've been able to control my impulses. I haven't cut since I was in the hospital. It's so tempting though. I've been writing  in my diary and crocheting, so that helps distract me, but the feelings are still there. I feel so fucked up. Why do I have to be this way? Why me? WHY ME? WHY ME, GOD DAMNED MOTHERFUCKERS? This question is really starting to get to me. I didn't ask to be born with all of these mental problems. So what fucked up power decided that it was me that deserved to suffer. Decided this while I was a fetus? What the FUCK?

I'm back!

I was gone for a month and a half to Merridel, a mental hospital. I will explaine later. I'm so happy to be home.

Yaron

I cut again tonight. Now I keep limping, so it's getting hard to hide. I promised myself I wouldn't eat, but here I am, eating candy. I fucking hate myself. I can't stand this. Sometimes I wish I could cut all the fat off. I know it would kill me though. That's probably the only reason I haven't tried. Although it would be a nice way to die... Skinny. I'm on the phone with Yaron right now though. ^_^ I haven't talked to him in sooooooo long. I missed him so much. I can't wait to meet him someday in real life. GOD DAMMIT! My leg hurts... ;_; I feel sick from eating so much. I would purge it all, but I'm on the phone with Yaron.

I'm really nervous because I gave him the link to this journal. I'm afraid of what he'll think of me. I'm afraid he'll think I'm crazy (which I am, but that's not the point). Yaron, when you read this, if you read this, please forgive me for everything.

My Weight

It's decided. I can't stand being so fat. I've decided that from now on, nothing but liquids. I can never stick to anything I say I'll , but from now on, if I do mess up and eat, I'll get rid of it immediately. I haven't been taking my meds at all lately. My mind is racing. My moods are changing constantly. I'm losing it. I can tell I'm going to start cutting again soon. I found a stapler in the garage, I just hope it has staples in it. Maybe I can find a staple gun. The only place I staple though is on my arm, so it's risky. I might just cut my leg instead. Like I said, I got some knives for Christmas. Very sharp. ^_^ In case anyone reads this, do you think I should post pics of my cuts? It would help me to get it out, but it might upset people who come read this. Oh yeah, I made a new friend! Her name is Rachel. I met her on Psyche.org. It's a really good website. I can't keep my mind still. I'm losing it... quickly. I still feel like crying, even when I'm happy. Or should be happy.

Hmmm... Turns out that the knives aren't as sharp as they seemed. I have a razorblade though, so that'll work.

I don't know what's wrong... I can't do it. Which is really bad because once I can, I'll lose it. I lose control... Time to try again.

Done...

---

Later

My head hurts... I think I'm losing consciousness. I'm so tired... I have to sleep... But I still want to cut more... I think I need to go back to Shoal Creek, but I promised myself that I would never go back. God my leg hurts. I need help.

Labels

I feel sick... I want to cry... Have you ever felt like you needed a label? I feel like I don't exist without one. Psycho, faggot, queer, cutter, drugie, pot head, loner, loser, drama queen, homo, dyke... I feel better, still nauseous, but it's better than cutting. At least this doesn't scar.

Tears

I can't cry, but at the same time, I can't stop crying. The tears well up, blurring my vision, but they never fall or fade. I've been thinking a lot about my cutting lately. It's been months since I've cut... That anyone knows of, at least. The last time I cut was at Thanksgiving. But I think about it all the time. It seems like there isn't a moment that I don't crave it. Unless I'm high. I've been freaking out lately because I've been out of weed for a couple of weeks, too. I'm 16, I shouldn't have these problems. I also don't know what to do about my boyfriend. I don't really like guys, he's so sweet though. But that's pretty much it. That's where the attraction ends. I hate kissing him. I loathe giving head. Sex is boring, I don't get turned on by guys. Everyone keeps harassing me about the fact that I'm "Bi". I just want to scream... I'M GAY! WHAT PART OF THAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I'M ATTRACTED TO GIRLS, AND GIRLS ONLY! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! But of course I don't. I keep everything locked up for fear of ridicule. I often wonder if maybe everyone goes through this and just doesn't say anything. It would make sense. It would explain why so many people have these problems such as cutting. And, just my luck, I got a bunch of pocket knives for Christmas...

Good night...

Intro

This blog will be for my thoughts, ramblings, and confessions.

Confession:
I've spent a lot of time in mental hospitals. I have a bad habit of cutting my self. Almost always on my leg. I can also get quite suicidal at times, though not lately. I hear things, and I see scary images when I close my eyes. It makes it hard to sleep at night... I have had problems in the past with both bulemia and anorexia. I have always been curious to see what it would be like to break my own arm. I know I never will though. Not enough guts. I'm also a pot head. I get a lot of pleasure out of seeing other peoples pain, but then I feel extremely guilty. I am sometimes willing to do absolutely anything to escape reality. No matter how much I like a guy, I can never enjoy sex with them. When I'm with a man, I think about women. I pretend not to, but what people think about me realy gets to me. I can't stand it when anyone touches me. I can't tell a person no, no matter what they ask.

These are my greatest flaws.